Tough Topic

Well, I have debated about blogging on this topic for a while now, but I have decided to go ahead and post this blog. It will probably be a long blog with no pictures, but if you still want to read then go ahead.

I feel like the past 3-4 weeks have been crazy for me and Antonio. We have been through SO MUCH and it has been difficult because we haven't wanted to tell everyone what was going on (until now I guess). I am sure if you are reading this, you are confused, so let me get into what has been going on, I will start from the beginning....

The morning of Jan 14th I took a pregnancy test and discovered I was pregnant. I was heading out of town on a business trip and decided to take another test on Thursday morning when I got back into town and then I would tell Antonio. So, the night of the 16th, I could NOT sleep. Finally at 4am I decided to go ahead and take another test since I couldn't sleep. It was immediately positive. So I wrote Antonio this cute note and put it in his bathroom with the test so he would find it in the morning.

He found it the next morning and was so excited. While it was definitely not planned, we weren't doing anything to prevent either. I was around 4 weeks then.

The following Sunday, Jan 20th, I went to the restroom and I was spotting. I called the on call nurse and she made me feel better cause it wasn't much and set an appt for me to come in first thing Monday morning. Monday morning I saw a dr. and they did bloodwork. The next day I got a call and my beta Hcg levels were good but my progestrone was a little lower than they wanted, so they put me on some medicine. Long story short, I was at the dr's office every other day for the next week and a half. During this time, there was a time that I just KNEW I had miscarried because I had been bleeding so much. I even had the discussion with the dr. about the next steps after a miscarriage, when my body would be back to normal, etc. However, the next day I got a call and my levels were still going up and all was well. They did decide to switch me to a stronger medication and I stopped bleeding for a week.

This past Friday, I was working in Oxford with my trainer and when we went to lunch I went to the restroom before lunch and I had started bleeding again. I managed to keep my calm during lunch, but as soon as it was over, I got in my car heading back to Memphis and called my dr's office. They wanted me in right away.

(I was 7 weeks on Friday).I got to the office late in the afternoon they took blood and when I met with the dr. he was pretty dry and not positive at all. He did check me and my cervix was still closed, but he was pretty sure I would miscarry over the weekend. He didn't want me doing anything and said for me not to lift anything heavier than a soup can...no picking up Tatum. He said he wanted me on semi bedrest. He told me not to eat or drink anything Monday morning so that if I needed a D&C then I could get one right away if I needed it. So over the weekend, I did NOTHING. Antonio was awesome and waited on me hand and foot along with taking care of Tatum. He fed me and made sure I was doing well.

Today I went back to the dr's office first thing to have an ultrasound.(The ultrasound tech was already gone Friday, so we couldn't do one then.) Antonio went with me and when we were in the ultrasound room, we saw immediately that there was no heartbeat, no baby, no sac. So apparently I miscarried over the weekend sometime.

So, that is what has been going on with us. It has been a very hard 3 weeks. We had already told a few people that we were pregnant even though everything happening because we needed some support from family and close friends. However, telling everyone the news today has been hard.

WARNING...this is my venting part of the post, I am not trying to be mean, I promise.

After informing the friends and family that knew we were pregnant, the first question everyone asks is "Are you okay?" To which then I must pause and try and decide how to answer this. So here is my in depth answer.

Yes. Physically, I am doing well. The thinking of my dr. is that everything will pass and be over within the week, which is a good thing. Antonio and I also know that all of this is in God's plan for our lives and we know He wouldn't put more on us than we can handle.

One of my favorite scriptures through all of this has been Jeremiah 29:11. It says..."For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I also know that I am very capable of having a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby, so when the time comes to have our next one, we know a healthy pregnancy is very possible.

Since this has gone on and on and on, I have felt like IF I was meant to miscarry, I would rather it happen earlier rather than later. I have been a little bit of a nervous wreck for the past 3 weeks and it is nice to have some closure to this.

And then there is my other more "worldy" reaction to the question of "Are you okay?" which goes something like this...No. How can I be okay with the fact that I just lost a baby? While we weren't trying, we weren't preventing and so we were very excited to find out we would be having another addition to our family. However, I know that these friends and family are trying to help and I appreciate everything that you all have done for me. Lots of you have been there with advice, stories of experience, and also just there to listen and I appreciate it all.

I guess my reason for blogging about this is for a few reasons...

-For any of you that I have been a little standoff'ish towards or maybe a little uneasy to commit to plans, this is why. I didn't know what the future held and sometimes I was going through things that I didn't want to have to talk about or explain.

-However, I guess my biggest reason to blog about this is because I never knew until going through this how many people have experienced this exact same thing or have experinced spotting while pregnant. Miscarriages seem to happen much more often than I thought but for some reason no one really talks about it. I know that there is nothing I could have done to prevent this. While I am sad about it, I am not embarrassed.

So, know that I would NEVER wish this on my worst enemy, but if you ever experience anything like this in your life and would like to ask some questions, feel free to call me, email me, etc. I am one of those people that was calling a select few friends that I knew had been through this to ask the "forbidden" questions. (Thanks for letting me ask these questions without thinking I was crazy!)

So, if you are still reading this, WOW...you must really be bored(just kidding). Please continue to keep Antonio and I in your prayers as this will continue to be something we stuggle with in the future.

Wouldn't it be so much easier if God would just send out his "play book" of our lives to us in the mail so we would know and be better prepared for what the future held for our lives??? I guess there would be no reason for faith then, eh?

And to answer a question that I know will probably come up...we do not plan to get pregnant again anytime in the near future. I don't know that we would be emotionally ready right away.

And another question that has been asked a few times already...my due date would have been Sept 26th.

I think I have covered it all.

Until next time...